Love at first sight, or a friendship that turns into love? All-consuming passion, or a carefully thought-out life project? We do not all mean the same thing by the word "love". Psychologists have tried to classify these different ways of loving. Three theories have left a particular mark on the field.
John Alan Lee's colors of love
In 1973, the Canadian sociologist John Alan Lee published The Colors of Love. To write it, he combed through hundreds of texts about love, from ancient philosophy to novels, then interviewed men and women about their own stories.
From this he drew a comparison that became famous: like colors, love styles can be mixed. He identified three primary styles, which he gave Greek and Latin names:
- Eros, passionate love: immediate physical attraction, intensity, the urge to share everything very quickly;
- Ludus, playful love: love as a game, without too much commitment, sometimes with several partners;
- Storge, friendship love: an affection that grows slowly, out of closeness and time spent together.
By mixing them, he obtained three secondary styles:
- Mania, possessive love (eros and ludus): obsessive, jealous, full of highs and lows;
- Pragma, practical love (ludus and storge): looking for a compatible partner, almost with a checklist;
- Agape, selfless love (eros and storge): caring, giving, focused on the other person's good.
For Lee, no style is better than the others. Difficulties arise mainly when two partners do not love in the same way, for example when an eros lover meets a ludus lover.
What the questionnaires showed
In the 1980s, American psychologists Clyde and Susan Hendrick turned Lee's six styles into a questionnaire, the Love Attitudes Scale, which went on to be used in many countries. Several findings come up again and again:
- most people combine several styles, with one or two dominant ones;
- partners in the same couple tend to resemble each other in the way they love;
- eros love is linked to greater relationship satisfaction, ludus love to lower satisfaction;
- in their studies, men scored higher on ludus on average, women on storge and pragma. These are average tendencies that say nothing about any one person.
Robert Sternberg's triangle
In 1986, American psychologist Robert Sternberg proposed another approach. Rather than styles, he described the ingredients of love, the three corners of a triangle:
- intimacy: closeness, trust, the feeling of being understood;
- passion: desire, physical attraction, excitement;
- commitment: the decision to love the other person and make the relationship last.
Their combinations give different kinds of love. Intimacy alone is liking, as in friendship. Passion alone is infatuation, the crush on someone you barely know. Commitment alone is empty love, that of a couple who stay together out of habit or duty. Intimacy and passion make romantic love; intimacy and commitment, companionate love; passion and commitment without intimacy, fatuous love, like a whirlwind marriage. All three together form consummate love, which Sternberg considers easier to reach than to keep.
The triangle also has the merit of showing that love changes. In Sternberg's description, passion flares up fast and often fades, intimacy builds slowly, and commitment grows with the time spent together.
Passion and tenderness
American psychologist Elaine Hatfield proposed an even simpler distinction, between passionate love, made of intense desire and preoccupation with the other person, and companionate love, made of tenderness, closeness and commitment. The first dominates the early stages and usually declines over the years; the second takes over.
But passion is not doomed to disappear. In 2012, a team led by Bianca Acevedo and Arthur Aron used brain imaging on people who had been married for about twenty years on average and still said they were intensely in love. When they looked at a photo of their spouse, the brain areas linked to reward lit up as they do in new lovers, but without the signs of anxiety and obsession that often come with the early months.
So, which style is right?
None of these theories points to a single right way to love. Instead, they invite three reflections:
- know yourself: knowing what you are looking for, a flame, a refuge, a project or freedom, helps you understand your choices and disappointments;
- talk about it: two people who do not love in the same way can get on very well, as long as they know it and take it into account;
- accept change: we do not love the same way at 20 and at 50, or at every stage of a relationship.
Our quiz This is how I love is not a research questionnaire, but it starts from the same idea: there is no single model of love. Its four styles, cocoon, fire, builder and freedom, even bear a family resemblance to Lee's, and your result shows how much of each you have.
In short
- In 1973, John Alan Lee described six love styles: eros, ludus, storge, mania, pragma and agape.
- Robert Sternberg sees love as a triangle of intimacy, passion and commitment, whose combinations give different kinds of love.
- Passion dominates the beginning, tenderness and commitment often take over, but some couples keep their flame alive for decades.
- There is no right style: what matters is knowing your own and talking about it.
To go further, read our articles on attachment theory and the 5 love languages.
